Four loves.

Storge - Affection

Affection through familiarity, especially between family members. It is described as the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves

Philia - Friendship

Philia is the love between family and friends. Friendship is a weak bond existing between people who share common interest or activity.

Eros - Romance

Eros is love in the sense of 'being in love'.

Agape - Unconditional Love

Agape is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. The chapter on the subject focuses on the need of subordinating the natural loves to the love of God, who is full of charitable love.

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Where do I stand? Where am I located under to do, at this moment?

I feel so lost, but having a spiritual brother guiding me, makes everything seem easier than it really is. To have a special bond with someone dear to you shows what? It shows that, that bond you have is one thing you love and yearn to keep when time passes. Everyone argues and fights, but is it worth throwing it all away because of one argument that may seem to be a lot? To have love between family members does not mean that everyone has to constantly be perfect, are we perfect? no. we're human. we fight and fight yet we still love each other in the end. There are time where I am frustrated to a point where i don't know what to do. I then realize that i do not only want to be alone, but i realize that i can't live without him or her. I would love to live separately but nothing can separate the bond that is shared.

What does it mean to love?

1 Corinthians 13:4 ; "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

God is love. Love does not take only one person, but three.

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

White Citrus

"God bless you, you're pretty."

"Do you have a boyfriend? Take you out sometime, give you my number. I make a pretty good one, myself."

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What am I to say when these words are directed towards me? Who am I, to put them in their place?

As each day passes, one thing that becomes clear to me, is that I don't like looking good for other people but for myself. I wear sweats and t-shirts more than ever. Freshman year in high school is when you enter into a whole different level than middle school. There's guys you want to impress, girls you want to outlook, and you want the best reputation. Next year, is being a sophomore, school starts to haunt you a little. You clean up your act a little, join a team but still try to look your best when you have days to look good for. What happens during junior year? You've been through the drama freshman and sophomore year. We think ahead now. To look good for someone is nothing if we are not satisfied with ourselves first. Senior year is when we were whatever we want and still people look at us as beautiful inside and out. Cause we simply don't care anymore. People look at me, my sister and my cousin when we walk the streets but what do i want inside? The attention is okay, but why can't people love us for our personality? Why do they have that instinct where all they want is to get in someone's pants? As each day passes, I believe I dress nice to show how I can be kind-hearted and not for show.

There are times where we have lust. There are other times where we have a need we can't fulfill. There are many temptations and things that drives us mad to a point where our patience can only go so high.

We need to think. How can we show ourselves to be humble to God? How can we align our lives and reach out to those in need? How can I say you are beautiful with all my heart, strength, soul and mind?

Just how.

Bloomberg.

Are you serious? I stayed up til three in the morning playing chinese poker and palace with Michelle. Once the clock struck twelve, once it became wednesday, January 12th, my day began. I stayed up til three in the morning and woke up at 5:30 to find out that we had school.

My day started turning bad when I was playing with Michelle. She won literally every game and i shuffled at least thirty times. We got tired, but i woke up to find out that school was open. That killed me, i had only two hours of sleep. I screwed myself over. Then it was school time, and there was uniform. shakes my freaking head. everyone said there was no uniform then there was, are you freaking kidding me? I hate this. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. I went to my first period only to realize my teacher wasn't there and I had to walk up and down from the auditorium to my english class about four times. I went to math and almost no one was there. Physics is always bad. JROTC was okay, got automatic 100 in inspection. History was horrible. There was a total of 10 or less in class. After school, I had work, and i knew i had to go to work in uniform. I didn't have time to change, so i asked my mom to take me to starbucks so i can get coffee to relax myself. Just when i thought my day couldn't get any worse, starbucks didn't give me my coffee. I waited and waited, nothing. This guy came up to me and asked what i wanted, i told him and he got it for me. But it tasted mad weird. Not how it usually is. great. just great. I went to work, not complaining there. Picking up kids was horrible, not that it was bad but standing in the cold in my uniform was horrible. freezing my butt off. well, from then, work seemed like it never ends but it did. now i can't be anymore happier to be home.

Stop.

I can't live life the way I want to because of my parents. My mom yells me for always going out, but if i dont have a little freedom now, what will happen when I get to college? My friend told me I'm going to be enjoying so much freedom in college, I'm going to forget all my schoolwork and just party. I'm making sure that won't happen. But my mom's starting to make it come true.

My mom is so racist. I hate that. She yelled at me saying all these years in church and I have learned nothing. Truth is, in church, I learned to love everyone, no matter what color, race or ethnic. I learned to treat eaveryone the same, and I definitely learned to put everyone before me. Mom, can't you realize I am trying my best to enjoy my own life without you ruining it? At this moment, i could never be any happier, but you just ruined it. How can you be so heartless and cruel to the ones I hold dearest to my heart? Yes, I made mistakes, but I learned from them. You have to let me experience things so I can learn how to live my life in a mature way. I can't deal with all your bull all the time. You said as long as I live in your house, I have to listen to you, then why don't I move out? I'm tired of being pushed by you. I appreciate all you did for me, but honestly, when it comes to relationships and church, i DEFINITELY know what I'm doing. When you discouraged me saying i didnt apply anything to myself what i learned in church, i hate you for that. I work now, because you don't give me money anymore. You give Michelle. I get none. Why else did I start working? I hate how you treat me. I just freaking hate it. I'm trying not to curse, but the more you piss me off, the more likely I will.

For showing such prejudice, I hate you.

FOUND.

8:31am, alright, time to wake up. I got my butt up to get ready to go grocery shopping with kevinchen, winbinfunn and christineyuan. When me and Michelle got there, only us and christine were there. Alright, fail. Kevin came later on and then everything was settled. Winbin was the latest but it was mad funny, cause he came out to main, then fifteen minutes later, he goes back home. It was so funny. I also saw Anthony, he got dark, and i knew it was from handball, so.... we arrived at our house, Christine staying in main. From main, we bought fish balls and red &+ green peppers. A minute later, mommy droves us to another supermarket to buy meat, skewers, squash and cake mix. As soon as we got home, we went to work.

I started to but the peppers.
Michelle started to boil water for the fish balls.
Winbin started to get ingredients for the cake and cupcakes.
Kevin started with garlic, then went to fish balls then the peppers.

Everything was pretty hectic, but it was so fun. So my mom marinated the chicken and cut it into pieces where it was bite size. Soon, everything was cut up and ready. Then everyone ; Kevin, Me, Michelle, Winbin, Jessica, and Eric started skewing red pepper, squash, green pepper, and the marinated chicken. While we were doing this, we were also fishing out fish balls, it was funny. For the fish balls, they were going to be dipped in curry and honey. so two choices. We didn't have a grill, so we baked it... LOL.

While we were waiting, Kevin, Winbin and me went out for handball. Eric followed because he wanted to walk around. I knew all the pros were there and i knew it would be packed. I walked there, i was right. There was one court though, where it was only for the brothers. I saw Meiyuet, Randy, Ronald, Richard, Maro, Jackey, Yi, Cody, Jeffrey, Tracy, Rose, Winnie, and yeah. LOL. also manny. Anyway, nothing much happened, so Meiyuet, Jackey and me started to go the the deli. I grabbed Randy because he looked bored and he was cold. So all of us started holding hands, being the 'bisexuals.' LOL.

Jackey was holding Meiyuet's left hand.

Meiyuet was holding my left. hand.

I was holding Randy's left hand.

To my right was Randy,

To my left was Meiyuet,

To my far left was Jackey!

Mad funny, we ran then walked. Soon, we saw Ronald running, trying to catch up to us. Eric also followed. After buying things, we all broke off. Ronald and Randy went to a hardware store. Me and Eric started heading home. Jackey and Meiyuet went back to seven seas. As i was walking with Eric, Raymondchan texted me asking where i was, so i went back to seven seas to see if he was there. He was. Winbin and Kevin were waiting for a game. So i went to the swings, where everyone except Cody and Maro, played quack-a-dilly-oh-so. First round, Meiyuet won, second round, i won :D Then i went home, i jogged home. LOL. Then i called Peter to pick up the food and head to church. When i did, it was around 4:55. Davidcartegena came over then we all went to Hope Center. We were all early, but all of us helped out setting tables, chairs, and mopping the floors, trying to get it dry. It was pretty fun. People started to come in. There were many people that i saw that were new. I saw people from 237 and winter retreat. Many new faces came in and i was pretty surprised. So we started off with the first video out of three. Then we played icebreaker games. First one was getting to know each other by asking questions. The second game was human knots. IT was C R A Z Y. At first we combines tables 3 and 4, we were 4. Out of every group, we had the largest group possible. Me and Meiyuet literally couldn't breathe. It was crazy, but it was so fun. We got nothing accomplished but we definitely learned to get closer, in both ways. LOL. At some point, Lewis and Justis said one table per group, so we did. We ended up getting last place. It was pretty weird and fun though. Then we had dinner, i didn't eat much, but Ricky, ate a feast. hahas. afterwards, Jessicaho, Justishao, Alanchan and Michaelren went up stage and sang, my table started waving candles. I loved the song and waving candles was fun! :D Afterwards was the second part of the video? Then more talking?

After the last video was done, we all prayed. It was quiet and i felt warm again, i knew God was with me. After everything, i started to clean up. I love helping out with the church. When everything was set, the brothers, Meiyuet, and Johnathankim started playing human knots again. It was fun :D and when we got it, we started running in circles, meiyuet tripped over her bag D: but she was okay :D hahas. Afterwards nothing happened really, except me blogging :D

~Eric was here~

nostalgic.

5:00pm, do we ever go out this early? Did we even get out this early? Once? I was so happy practice was over. Hell week. Next thing on my mind, was going to the park. I wanted to play so bad. Yesterday, i made so many kills with my right but one with my left. LOL. Anyway, i was so hyped up to play. I come and i see all courts filled up. Darn. ): So i wait and wait. I was wearing shorts and my eastern nationals shirt. So i was waiting and waiting, then it got freezing. Winston was sitting next to me, soon Mashi's turn to go. I took his sweater and started to cover my legs. It felt warm :D

So i'm waiting and i see allenchen walk in with friends from franny lew. I knew he was going to come. Hahas. He spoke my name today, and i was surprised, cause we usually just see each other and look at each other but don't say or do anything. Hahas, well, it's okay. As i was waiting, on the other side was nicky. For some reason, i couldn't really stop looking at him. It's because of the feelings i still have for him. When i see him, i don't know what i see, but i see the man i dated once, the one who i had moments with, hmmm. As i was sitting, i starting to reminisce. I thought back to times where we were still together. And i smiled. It felt warm. I thought only these things happen in movies. Why the hell would this happen in reality? But it did, i started to reminisce and i loved it. I started to gather memories of when we were still together. I remembered when we saw each other at the park, he would walk to my side, waiting for me. Then i would walk to his side, waiting for him. I remembered when i would wear his asspack and he would wear his backpack. He did today. I laughed inside cause nothing really changed. He was about to leave but came to my side and waited for me. I picked up my stuff and started talking to him as if we never broke up. Westley came over and started giving us all these signs. I read Nicky's face. I knew exactly what was going on in his mind. When Westley left, he said it. I smiled knowing i was right. He didn't change much. Most that changed was getting a tan. He got a tan, and it looked pretty good on him, there wasn't really any change. I don't know if i looked different to him or now. I probably did. Hmm, well, I felt warm when we both went in for a hug. Like usual, i smelled him. LOL. no i don't go around sniffing people, but i just do when i hug. And he had the same cologne. We were talking, not much happened, but it made my day. It made my day knowing that we can still be friends despite what happened. I still have feelings for him, but he won't know. Being friends is the most we can do, it gives me this warm feeling within, friends it is, friends it is(:

sympathy?

I'm never appreciated, no matter what i do, i never feel appreciation. at home nor at school, i feel neglected all the time, the only time i'm probably heard is by inderprit, ting, heejae, maro, david and God. I don't know anymore. I try my best to make everyone happy, but some people take advantage and treat me like shit,as if im worth nothing but a waste of their time. But no matter how they treat me, i still want to meet their satisfaction. No i'm not getting whipped. I just and care and worry a lot. And if one does take advantage, kiss your ass goodbye and get the hell out of my life.

What happened to all the love i once had? Did it just fade away that easy? Did it fade away that fast? Or did they all just decide to turn away and backstab me? I used to love everyone and i still do, but i feel no appreciation. What the hell. once it comes to family, the tears will never stop.

At home;

1. My father: I try and keep this family together when he's at work. He's at work for almost the whole damn day, and i can't even see him. I think this is why i don't want to see him most times. When he's home, i want to be out of the damn house, 'cause i can't stand him. I can't stand the fact that he's an alcoholic and i can't stand the fact that he's a smoker. When he wants a one on one talk with me, it's always about everything that's wrong when he's home. When he drinks, i tend to go to sleep earlier so i don't have to talk to him. When he drinks, he talks to me about everything, giving me useless advice and sometimes he's just plain yelling at me for all my flaws and faults. When my sister is being a bitch, being spoiled and all bipolar, my dad blames it on me. He told me that the reason my sister is acting like this, is because she learns from me and i'm the oldest. NEWS-FLASH: I'm rarely home either. I'm at school til 6 on weekdays, and weekends i even got school. Even during spring break. The only reason she acts like this is because of how my parents raised her. Whatever. So when he's home, i hate it. I love everything he does for me, when i need new headphones or new this or that or when i need money, he'd give it to me. My father's a real dedicated father, and he would give anything, but that's wrong of him. He's too generous to a point where he's spoiling my brother and my sister. My father works long hours to keep this family going, but his mouth is cursed. It's his mind that tells his tongue to speak devil. It's the alcohol that controls the mind... But how can i love him when he keeps doing this? I pray for him day and night, praying that things can get better and that he can stop drinking and smoking. I hate it when he's home, just hate it.
2. My mother: My mom understands me a little better. I tell her all my problems i once had in the past. She knew about my current ex and she was okay with it. Not much to criticize about her because she has been here all my life. Yes, she pisses me off time to time, but i know why. I guess one thing would be that i raise my grades for her, to show her that im worth something to be her daughter. I raise my grades so that she can boast to her friends of how wonderful of a daughter i am, but she never does. She always criticizes me. I try my best to show her my responsibility by taking care of my pets, my guinea pigs. She never gave me and my siblings a real pet because she knew that we'd get bored of it and she knew that she would be the one taking care of it. Since we got the guinea pigs, i've been showing responsibility by feeding it everyday and making sure they're okay. My mom was pissed at my sister because it was her idea to bring it home, but she was content that i was taking care of it. I also try to show im worthy by cleaning the house. I may not always have the time, but when i do, i try. I love my mom, and i have absolutely nothing against her.
3. My sister: We're the complete opposite. She's always going out, i'm always at school or at home. She has this annoying temper, i don't. She spoiled, i'm not. She gets allowance, i don't. She invites her friends over at our house almost every time she feels like it, i don't. I hate how she is 90% of the time. She never listens to anyone and this is because of how my parents raised her. I talked to my parents one day about why our family is isolated. My dad blamed my mom, and that pissed me off. Cause it was both their fault. They treat my brother like a freaking king. They give anything to my sister, and for me? I don't get because i don't ask and i don't cause trouble like they do. When my sister wants something, she gets it. If she doesn't she gives the most sour look to my parents. She gives this fucking temper where she won't do this or that until she gets what she wants. It pisses me off, and it pisses my mom off too. I fucking hate it when my sister does that. She acts as if the world revolves around her. She has done physical things to hurt herself and that hurt me 'cause even though i hate her, she worries me. She made me cry many nights in a row because of what she had done to herself. She pisses me off, but ever since these physical things, i've been trying my best to make her happy. And ever since, i'm trying to meet her satisfaction. I'm trying so hard, that i can't stop. But she doesn't see what i'm trying to do for her. She doesn't see what i am doing for her. My heart aches when we argue. My heart wants to tear apart when she's mad at me. I never felt appreciation from her. I spent a lot of money on her, just because i wanted her to be happy. But it's so hard. I want her to feel my appreciation, and the only thing i ask from her, is appreciation back, but i'm never going to get it. She doesn't know how i feel. She never will. If i'm lucky, she'll know before we both get married then move away from each other.
4. My brother: He's spoiled. Easy as that. He has no manners at all. He talks back to me, my sister, my mom, my dad, everyone. When i hit him for being rude, he hits me back. So i have to fight him to a point where he starts crying. I only do this for his own good. If he grows up with no manners, it's going to be so hard for him in the future. job, wife, friends, anything. My brother has it easy. Years ago, if me or my sister did something wrong, we would get our ass beat. But no, all he does is get yelled at. When my dad's home, he gives anything to my brother. When my dad's home, i hit my brother because he has no manners whatsoever. Then my dad yells at me for hitting him, so i yelled at my dad for being such an ass. I told him his faults and what he's doing to my brother. It's too late to change my brother now. He's eight. Too late to change his rudeness. When i go out and go back home, i always buy him something, food or toy, i always buy him something because i want to show him that i love him and i don't want him thinking that i always hit hit because i hate him, i don't. I'll never receive his appreciation either.
5. My aunts: All they think is that i'm covering for my cousin. They think my cousin is dating or hanging out with guys and i'm hiding that from then. They blame everything on me too. Because i'm the oldest of me, my cousin and my sister. I'm "supposedly" suppose watch them and tell them not to do anything stupid. Alright. I have school almost everyday, barely have time to do homework AND you want me to watch over them. Alright. whatever.
6. My cousins: Nothing, i love very much and i tell them everything.

After anyone reads this, please don't talk to me about it. You read it, now keep it in your head. Don't ask me questions about it, none of it. If you do, i'm just going to ignore you.