2o1o, is everything rewinding itself?

Damn, it's been a while since i wrote in here. I have so many things to write about... I started off with a new year. Not only that, but damn, mad things happen. I met this amazing guy who was older than me, despite our age difference, everything was amazing. I loved being with him. I talked to him for two to three months before it was official, and when it was, damn, i loved him so much. I learned not to give it my all, but i gave a lot. He was just, damn... So different from others and i loved it. We spent our first anniversary at rockefeller, he gave me a swarovski bracelet and it was beautiful. I treasure it so much, even til now. For our second, we went to eat at Olive Garden, it was a long and annoying wait, but it was worth it, especially with him. I loved being with him, but we ended on a bad note. Don't want to tell how we ended it, but yeah. I loved him so much, but we went out separate ways, i don't mind, im just happy of all the beautiful, unique moments we had. I thank him for making me happy while we lasted. I'll always cherish our moments.

As of now, this week, i've been so stressful. Today was the first day of spring break. Hahas, hell week for me though. Well, i've been stressing cause of everything around me. At home, i'm trying to best to meet my family's satisfaction. At school, i'm trying to make my friends happy, and even my ex, but its so hard. Right now, there's around ten guys liking me, but i narrowed it down to two. But it's pretty hard to choose, cause one is from church and the other is from school. It's just so hard for me, because i don't want to break any hearts, but i know i will eventually. And i did. Yesterday, my auntie, Inderprit, and my daddy, Heejae yelled at me for being too nice. They said "Why don't you ever think of yourself for a change?" I started crying cause of all the stress i had. I also started crying because i couldn't. I can't think of me before others. I'm so used to making other's people's satisfaction, that i can't even make mine. I don't know what happened to me, i wish i knew though. There's one or two people who like me for my looks, cause they have no time to dig down to my personality, but the rest like and even love me for me. I didn't know this until last week, where i actually made a list. I listed everything and realized what i've done. My aunt and dad was right. I'm too nice, i was so nice to a point where people fell for me because of my generosity to others. But little did they know that im a heartbreaker. My ex is in love with me, but i broke his heart by liking his friend i barely knew. When i heard about what he did when i broke his heart, i felt like crap. He cried for me, and it hurt me so much because i still care for him as a human being. I may have moved on, but i didn't move on from being a friend. No matter what, no one should be neglected as a friend. I care about him, yes, but i'm stressing so much, It kills me inside knowing that i'm breaking hearts. My ex's friend asked me out... i said yes, but that night, i wanted to be single, cause it was causing me even more stress. Inderprit told me that i was taken advantage of because of my stress level. I didn't know until he told me, i cried again because no one has ever cared for me like he did. And it hurts that i've been so blind. It kills me inside knowing that i broke hearts. It kills me knowing i always worry others, not once, me.

Yesterday was friday, i prayed to God knowing that He'd hear me and guide over me. When i was in church, Jessica, reached out her arms for me. My heart yearned for a hug, when i hugged her, i felt as if everything was okay. She told me that she knew i was under a lot of stress, and my heart hurt again, because she cared for me, and she worried for me. I usually hate when people worry for me because it means that everyone has another person to worry about. I don't want that, that's what fake smiles are for... God has helped me so much. I prayed to Him last night before i slept, praying about everyone. I prayed to Him today asking Him to watch over everyone as they go home. I feel it too, as each day that passes, i feel my stress level going down and i feel as if He's trying to reach to me and talk to me, and i can't wait.

As each day that passes, i just hope He can help me and guide over everyone i love and know and will come to know.