cheesecake!

cheesecake! ; vanessaouu, michelleouu, missJennie, naNcybabii

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whaddup, whaddup! :D so today, i had piano then i had practice. not much happened, but yeah. So my sister, my cousins and i got together to bake a cake.

vanessaouu: head chef giving directions and knowing what to do! :D

michelleouu: chef who did the mixing

naNcybabii: chef who did ultra heavy mixing

missJennie: chef who did nothing...

LOL, so yeah... but okay, so today was pretty okay. I kept thinking about everything again and more stress came along the way. Except this time, it was about who to hang out with and what time, cause my cousin in laws are coming over on friday, and leaving on monday morning.

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Agenda for this week;

1. Tuesday: practice; walk home? then out to main to get drill mommy flowers!(:
2. Wednesday: practice, celebrating Sergeant Batt's birthday with tulips♥; walk home?
3. Thursday: practice; walk home? maybe park afterwards.
4. Friday: cousin in laws coming over; hanging out with appa? ; hanging out with cousin in laws?
5. Saturday: wake up at 1o' am, meet up with JessHo, KevinChen, WinbinFunn, AnnaLam, and my people then cooking mania! :D ; FOUND! @ 7' pm; staying up late :D
6. Sunday: church? ; day with Eric and Jessica; coffee! :D

eastern '1o ; march nineteen to march twentyone

pimped it up a lil, but it's aight(;

oppa carried my baby cause it was heavy^^

shirley gao, the weird guy i have to look after :D

shy shy Henry(: LOL

why so serious, oppa?

Time to head back to New York

Camwhoring much?

that's whaddup(:

Packing our duffles, last night in Georgia

Camwhoring night before heading back

hotpot.

Open the Eyes of my Heart

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~last day before days with drill team, hours before six hours of drill practice~

Sergeant Batt's birthday, tulips, tulips, tulips, not lillies.

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Things that make vanessaouu want to throw up

1. Watching gushy blood movies, Ninja Assassin

2. Being in the backseat of a car with no windows open.

3. Coughing non-stop.

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I rushed up today because i had church. My head is starting to get more and more clear if i don't think about it. Me and my ex had a fight yesterday, i don't get him. He makes me leave him alone, so i yell at him then block him. He IMs my other screenname and asks to talk. I unblock him so we can solve things out. Then he tells me to leave him alone, so in my head, i'm yelling, why the hell are you bipolar? so i wrote, you wanted to talk to me and now youre telling me to leave you alone, what the hell. then i told him to forget everything, including me. Knowing it is impossible for him to do, i told him to make it possible. He pissed me off so much, but whatever, i won't stay mad. I don't stay mad over little things, i eventually forgive people, so whatever. I hate staying mad at people, it's not who i am. It's not how i am. It's definitely how i'm going to be. hmm, so this morning, i went to church and prayed about all my problems, and again, i feel my problems being lifted.

Today's message was amazing, it fitted my life so perfectly, and I knew God was trying to speak with me through the Michael. I felt it. Michael Chang told of how when making a decision, one thinks without God, then makes the decision, ending with disappointment. I made a decision earlier this week and it ended pretty bad. I'm happy that God spoke through Michael, it made me realize that i have to wait for God to answer my prayers and it made me realize that every decision i make, ends bad without God's approval. So with all the stress on my back, i will try my best to wait for God's answers to take me to where i am going. I also resumed praying every night. When Michelle moved back into my room, i have been forgetting to pray to God before i knock out. I prayed that i can remember to pray to God every night. And i hope i will. I love God, and i will never stop, ever(:

2o1o, is everything rewinding itself?

Damn, it's been a while since i wrote in here. I have so many things to write about... I started off with a new year. Not only that, but damn, mad things happen. I met this amazing guy who was older than me, despite our age difference, everything was amazing. I loved being with him. I talked to him for two to three months before it was official, and when it was, damn, i loved him so much. I learned not to give it my all, but i gave a lot. He was just, damn... So different from others and i loved it. We spent our first anniversary at rockefeller, he gave me a swarovski bracelet and it was beautiful. I treasure it so much, even til now. For our second, we went to eat at Olive Garden, it was a long and annoying wait, but it was worth it, especially with him. I loved being with him, but we ended on a bad note. Don't want to tell how we ended it, but yeah. I loved him so much, but we went out separate ways, i don't mind, im just happy of all the beautiful, unique moments we had. I thank him for making me happy while we lasted. I'll always cherish our moments.

As of now, this week, i've been so stressful. Today was the first day of spring break. Hahas, hell week for me though. Well, i've been stressing cause of everything around me. At home, i'm trying to best to meet my family's satisfaction. At school, i'm trying to make my friends happy, and even my ex, but its so hard. Right now, there's around ten guys liking me, but i narrowed it down to two. But it's pretty hard to choose, cause one is from church and the other is from school. It's just so hard for me, because i don't want to break any hearts, but i know i will eventually. And i did. Yesterday, my auntie, Inderprit, and my daddy, Heejae yelled at me for being too nice. They said "Why don't you ever think of yourself for a change?" I started crying cause of all the stress i had. I also started crying because i couldn't. I can't think of me before others. I'm so used to making other's people's satisfaction, that i can't even make mine. I don't know what happened to me, i wish i knew though. There's one or two people who like me for my looks, cause they have no time to dig down to my personality, but the rest like and even love me for me. I didn't know this until last week, where i actually made a list. I listed everything and realized what i've done. My aunt and dad was right. I'm too nice, i was so nice to a point where people fell for me because of my generosity to others. But little did they know that im a heartbreaker. My ex is in love with me, but i broke his heart by liking his friend i barely knew. When i heard about what he did when i broke his heart, i felt like crap. He cried for me, and it hurt me so much because i still care for him as a human being. I may have moved on, but i didn't move on from being a friend. No matter what, no one should be neglected as a friend. I care about him, yes, but i'm stressing so much, It kills me inside knowing that i'm breaking hearts. My ex's friend asked me out... i said yes, but that night, i wanted to be single, cause it was causing me even more stress. Inderprit told me that i was taken advantage of because of my stress level. I didn't know until he told me, i cried again because no one has ever cared for me like he did. And it hurts that i've been so blind. It kills me inside knowing that i broke hearts. It kills me knowing i always worry others, not once, me.

Yesterday was friday, i prayed to God knowing that He'd hear me and guide over me. When i was in church, Jessica, reached out her arms for me. My heart yearned for a hug, when i hugged her, i felt as if everything was okay. She told me that she knew i was under a lot of stress, and my heart hurt again, because she cared for me, and she worried for me. I usually hate when people worry for me because it means that everyone has another person to worry about. I don't want that, that's what fake smiles are for... God has helped me so much. I prayed to Him last night before i slept, praying about everyone. I prayed to Him today asking Him to watch over everyone as they go home. I feel it too, as each day that passes, i feel my stress level going down and i feel as if He's trying to reach to me and talk to me, and i can't wait.

As each day that passes, i just hope He can help me and guide over everyone i love and know and will come to know.

Fuck the rest(:

It's official. My life sucks. But i don't care if it sucks, because these day, i've been looking at all the damn positives. And i never knew how man positive things there were in my life. It makes me smile so much. When i think back to relationships, i don't care how or why it ended. I just smile that it happened. When i lost one friend, i lost two others. And no one knows how that feels. It hurts so much. I read a quote and i summarize it to;

It doesn't matter if you lose a friend. There's a reason why they're not in your future. There's always going to be a reason why your past is not in your future.

This really helped me, i thought back of why i lost so many friends, and it all came clear. One can caused everything else to go wrong. I don't mind though, because, well i got used to it. Friends come and go, but i need someone who's willing to stay by my side when im stupid, crazy, hurt, or just being me. I just thank God for helping me through my problems and i thank Him for giving me so much. It makes me so happy that he's always there for me, watching me and helping me up when i fall down. It just means so much to me. And I want Him to stay in my heart. I never cared to notice all the positives things in my life, because i spent all my day, hours and minutes being emo. Now that i can see my positives, i see so many.

+I have a family that cares deeply about me;

-A mom who yells at me, picking fights, but only because she cares

-A hardworking dad, who i dont get along with, but cares a lot about me

-A sister, who i ignore sometimes, but still cares and listens to me

-A brother, who annoys the crap out of me, but still appreciates me

-Aunts who constantly yell, but love my family so much

-Cousin, who all have random lives, but still tries to make our family proud.

+I have the friends i need and love;

-My seven brothers i grew up with, are always there for me.

-JROTC cadets, who motivate me to bring the better out of me.

-All my other friends who always make me smile and reminds that i'm in their lives.

+What school brings;

-Not only mourning homework, but new friends around.

-Good grades(: Making my mom proud.

-More time at drill practice.

-More time to laugh with friends and share our "blond" moments(:

Right.... So yeah, ima go away for now. See you next time! (:

Forever and ever.

OMG! It's so amazing what a week can do. Sorry that i haven't been writing her in a long time ><>

Thing is, i cried my heart out for him. I cried and cried. I love him so much, i just can't stop. When he left, when he told me to forget him, he didn't know how much i cried. I cried like there was no tomorrow. My heart tore into pieces. But i really wanted to be with him. He makes me so happy. I  just hope and pray that nothing will ever change between us.

I love you, gawgaw(:

永远<3

o5.22.o9

Crazy, crazy, crazy. This day was awesome. School went by pretty quick with a couple of subs. But it was Military Ball that was on my mind the whole effing day. After my last period, I walked home with Maro and Leslie. Even though i TOLD Leslie to go home, he waited for me anyway. After walking home, I had to rush everything because i was going to be late. I had to rush taking a shower, putting make-up on, straightening my hair(which is effing useless), and a lot more.

When we arrived, everything was such a blur. MSG and First Sergeant was there. All of them, lined up waiting for the cadets. We sat at the right. Our table number 20, next to the effing cold air conditioner, which JOSH picked out. LOL. So to my left was Martin, then Josh, nancy, David, Jennifer, Kathleen, Wesley then Gary. Leslie had to sit another table D: Tom took my chair, i think. LOL oh well. Since Alan was missing a seat, i shared with him. Dinner, all i got was salad and mashed potatoes. After dinner, a veteran talked and talked for like, forever. After he was done, everyone stood up and cheered, cheering that it was done. But then he started again. I knew that everyone wanted to get on the dance floor.

Finally it was time to dance. The DJ pumped up the music, girls ran to the dance floor, some with no shoes at all, people running for dessert, and me? I just stayed and watched. Banesa, Denise and Genia was already crazy on the dance floor. They were grinding already. I waited to go with Nancy, Kathleen and Jennifer. When we got to the dance floor, i was shy? I didn't want to dance in front of people. It felt mad weird x.x But people i knew just dragged me along and we just started dancing. Before you know it, hundreds of students were crammed up on the dance floor, sweating and grinding. It was crazy. It got really hot, so i went to settle down. But then David decided to get on the dance floor.

He dragged me back on. Then spanish music came on. I didn't know how to spanish dance, so i tried to leave like four times. But David kept dragging me back on. He led, i followed. It was pretty hard trying to dance. Then as the music kept going, we tended to get in the middle of the floor. So as the music got louder and louder, we got deeper and deeper into the crowd. Then Soulja Boy came on. I started laughing. My sergeant was on the 'stage' doing soulja boy with a couple of other guys. Then Walk It Out, it was hilarious. I was still in the crowd, David kept dancing and dancing non-stop. On the other hand, First lieutenant was too shy to dance. So was Leslie. So i dragged him to the dance floor XD Leslie has GOT to lighten up. He's really really nice and everything, but he has got to lighten up, kick back, and just have some fun(:

Of course, everyone started pushing and pushing, so accidentally me and david got mad close. It felt weird, but i guess its' what grinding means. lmao. So spanish dances started becoming sexual?!? What the hell. This night, May 22, 2009, was far the craziest night that has ever happened the past five to six years of my life. I seriously cannot wait till next year. It's the day after military ball, and the songs are in my head replaying, my feet, legs and hips want to move, and my hands just want to be in the air, being surrounded by people, dancing and dancing. Aiii, my gosh. I just can't seem to stop <3