What happened to all the love i once had? Did it just fade away that easy? Did it fade away that fast? Or did they all just decide to turn away and backstab me? I used to love everyone and i still do, but i feel no appreciation. What the hell. once it comes to family, the tears will never stop.
At home;
- My father: I try and keep this family together when he's at work. He's at work for almost the whole damn day, and i can't even see him. I think this is why i don't want to see him most times. When he's home, i want to be out of the damn house, 'cause i can't stand him. I can't stand the fact that he's an alcoholic and i can't stand the fact that he's a smoker. When he wants a one on one talk with me, it's always about everything that's wrong when he's home. When he drinks, i tend to go to sleep earlier so i don't have to talk to him. When he drinks, he talks to me about everything, giving me useless advice and sometimes he's just plain yelling at me for all my flaws and faults. When my sister is being a bitch, being spoiled and all bipolar, my dad blames it on me. He told me that the reason my sister is acting like this, is because she learns from me and i'm the oldest. NEWS-FLASH: I'm rarely home either. I'm at school til 6 on weekdays, and weekends i even got school. Even during spring break. The only reason she acts like this is because of how my parents raised her. Whatever. So when he's home, i hate it. I love everything he does for me, when i need new headphones or new this or that or when i need money, he'd give it to me. My father's a real dedicated father, and he would give anything, but that's wrong of him. He's too generous to a point where he's spoiling my brother and my sister. My father works long hours to keep this family going, but his mouth is cursed. It's his mind that tells his tongue to speak devil. It's the alcohol that controls the mind... But how can i love him when he keeps doing this? I pray for him day and night, praying that things can get better and that he can stop drinking and smoking. I hate it when he's home, just hate it.
- My mother: My mom understands me a little better. I tell her all my problems i once had in the past. She knew about my current ex and she was okay with it. Not much to criticize about her because she has been here all my life. Yes, she pisses me off time to time, but i know why. I guess one thing would be that i raise my grades for her, to show her that im worth something to be her daughter. I raise my grades so that she can boast to her friends of how wonderful of a daughter i am, but she never does. She always criticizes me. I try my best to show her my responsibility by taking care of my pets, my guinea pigs. She never gave me and my siblings a real pet because she knew that we'd get bored of it and she knew that she would be the one taking care of it. Since we got the guinea pigs, i've been showing responsibility by feeding it everyday and making sure they're okay. My mom was pissed at my sister because it was her idea to bring it home, but she was content that i was taking care of it. I also try to show im worthy by cleaning the house. I may not always have the time, but when i do, i try. I love my mom, and i have absolutely nothing against her.
- My sister: We're the complete opposite. She's always going out, i'm always at school or at home. She has this annoying temper, i don't. She spoiled, i'm not. She gets allowance, i don't. She invites her friends over at our house almost every time she feels like it, i don't. I hate how she is 90% of the time. She never listens to anyone and this is because of how my parents raised her. I talked to my parents one day about why our family is isolated. My dad blamed my mom, and that pissed me off. Cause it was both their fault. They treat my brother like a freaking king. They give anything to my sister, and for me? I don't get because i don't ask and i don't cause trouble like they do. When my sister wants something, she gets it. If she doesn't she gives the most sour look to my parents. She gives this fucking temper where she won't do this or that until she gets what she wants. It pisses me off, and it pisses my mom off too. I fucking hate it when my sister does that. She acts as if the world revolves around her. She has done physical things to hurt herself and that hurt me 'cause even though i hate her, she worries me. She made me cry many nights in a row because of what she had done to herself. She pisses me off, but ever since these physical things, i've been trying my best to make her happy. And ever since, i'm trying to meet her satisfaction. I'm trying so hard, that i can't stop. But she doesn't see what i'm trying to do for her. She doesn't see what i am doing for her. My heart aches when we argue. My heart wants to tear apart when she's mad at me. I never felt appreciation from her. I spent a lot of money on her, just because i wanted her to be happy. But it's so hard. I want her to feel my appreciation, and the only thing i ask from her, is appreciation back, but i'm never going to get it. She doesn't know how i feel. She never will. If i'm lucky, she'll know before we both get married then move away from each other.
- My brother: He's spoiled. Easy as that. He has no manners at all. He talks back to me, my sister, my mom, my dad, everyone. When i hit him for being rude, he hits me back. So i have to fight him to a point where he starts crying. I only do this for his own good. If he grows up with no manners, it's going to be so hard for him in the future. job, wife, friends, anything. My brother has it easy. Years ago, if me or my sister did something wrong, we would get our ass beat. But no, all he does is get yelled at. When my dad's home, he gives anything to my brother. When my dad's home, i hit my brother because he has no manners whatsoever. Then my dad yells at me for hitting him, so i yelled at my dad for being such an ass. I told him his faults and what he's doing to my brother. It's too late to change my brother now. He's eight. Too late to change his rudeness. When i go out and go back home, i always buy him something, food or toy, i always buy him something because i want to show him that i love him and i don't want him thinking that i always hit hit because i hate him, i don't. I'll never receive his appreciation either.
- My aunts: All they think is that i'm covering for my cousin. They think my cousin is dating or hanging out with guys and i'm hiding that from then. They blame everything on me too. Because i'm the oldest of me, my cousin and my sister. I'm "supposedly" suppose watch them and tell them not to do anything stupid. Alright. I have school almost everyday, barely have time to do homework AND you want me to watch over them. Alright. whatever.
- My cousins: Nothing, i love very much and i tell them everything.
After anyone reads this, please don't talk to me about it. You read it, now keep it in your head. Don't ask me questions about it, none of it. If you do, i'm just going to ignore you.
