Stop.

I can't live life the way I want to because of my parents. My mom yells me for always going out, but if i dont have a little freedom now, what will happen when I get to college? My friend told me I'm going to be enjoying so much freedom in college, I'm going to forget all my schoolwork and just party. I'm making sure that won't happen. But my mom's starting to make it come true.

My mom is so racist. I hate that. She yelled at me saying all these years in church and I have learned nothing. Truth is, in church, I learned to love everyone, no matter what color, race or ethnic. I learned to treat eaveryone the same, and I definitely learned to put everyone before me. Mom, can't you realize I am trying my best to enjoy my own life without you ruining it? At this moment, i could never be any happier, but you just ruined it. How can you be so heartless and cruel to the ones I hold dearest to my heart? Yes, I made mistakes, but I learned from them. You have to let me experience things so I can learn how to live my life in a mature way. I can't deal with all your bull all the time. You said as long as I live in your house, I have to listen to you, then why don't I move out? I'm tired of being pushed by you. I appreciate all you did for me, but honestly, when it comes to relationships and church, i DEFINITELY know what I'm doing. When you discouraged me saying i didnt apply anything to myself what i learned in church, i hate you for that. I work now, because you don't give me money anymore. You give Michelle. I get none. Why else did I start working? I hate how you treat me. I just freaking hate it. I'm trying not to curse, but the more you piss me off, the more likely I will.

For showing such prejudice, I hate you.

FOUND.

8:31am, alright, time to wake up. I got my butt up to get ready to go grocery shopping with kevinchen, winbinfunn and christineyuan. When me and Michelle got there, only us and christine were there. Alright, fail. Kevin came later on and then everything was settled. Winbin was the latest but it was mad funny, cause he came out to main, then fifteen minutes later, he goes back home. It was so funny. I also saw Anthony, he got dark, and i knew it was from handball, so.... we arrived at our house, Christine staying in main. From main, we bought fish balls and red &+ green peppers. A minute later, mommy droves us to another supermarket to buy meat, skewers, squash and cake mix. As soon as we got home, we went to work.

I started to but the peppers.
Michelle started to boil water for the fish balls.
Winbin started to get ingredients for the cake and cupcakes.
Kevin started with garlic, then went to fish balls then the peppers.

Everything was pretty hectic, but it was so fun. So my mom marinated the chicken and cut it into pieces where it was bite size. Soon, everything was cut up and ready. Then everyone ; Kevin, Me, Michelle, Winbin, Jessica, and Eric started skewing red pepper, squash, green pepper, and the marinated chicken. While we were doing this, we were also fishing out fish balls, it was funny. For the fish balls, they were going to be dipped in curry and honey. so two choices. We didn't have a grill, so we baked it... LOL.

While we were waiting, Kevin, Winbin and me went out for handball. Eric followed because he wanted to walk around. I knew all the pros were there and i knew it would be packed. I walked there, i was right. There was one court though, where it was only for the brothers. I saw Meiyuet, Randy, Ronald, Richard, Maro, Jackey, Yi, Cody, Jeffrey, Tracy, Rose, Winnie, and yeah. LOL. also manny. Anyway, nothing much happened, so Meiyuet, Jackey and me started to go the the deli. I grabbed Randy because he looked bored and he was cold. So all of us started holding hands, being the 'bisexuals.' LOL.

Jackey was holding Meiyuet's left hand.

Meiyuet was holding my left. hand.

I was holding Randy's left hand.

To my right was Randy,

To my left was Meiyuet,

To my far left was Jackey!

Mad funny, we ran then walked. Soon, we saw Ronald running, trying to catch up to us. Eric also followed. After buying things, we all broke off. Ronald and Randy went to a hardware store. Me and Eric started heading home. Jackey and Meiyuet went back to seven seas. As i was walking with Eric, Raymondchan texted me asking where i was, so i went back to seven seas to see if he was there. He was. Winbin and Kevin were waiting for a game. So i went to the swings, where everyone except Cody and Maro, played quack-a-dilly-oh-so. First round, Meiyuet won, second round, i won :D Then i went home, i jogged home. LOL. Then i called Peter to pick up the food and head to church. When i did, it was around 4:55. Davidcartegena came over then we all went to Hope Center. We were all early, but all of us helped out setting tables, chairs, and mopping the floors, trying to get it dry. It was pretty fun. People started to come in. There were many people that i saw that were new. I saw people from 237 and winter retreat. Many new faces came in and i was pretty surprised. So we started off with the first video out of three. Then we played icebreaker games. First one was getting to know each other by asking questions. The second game was human knots. IT was C R A Z Y. At first we combines tables 3 and 4, we were 4. Out of every group, we had the largest group possible. Me and Meiyuet literally couldn't breathe. It was crazy, but it was so fun. We got nothing accomplished but we definitely learned to get closer, in both ways. LOL. At some point, Lewis and Justis said one table per group, so we did. We ended up getting last place. It was pretty weird and fun though. Then we had dinner, i didn't eat much, but Ricky, ate a feast. hahas. afterwards, Jessicaho, Justishao, Alanchan and Michaelren went up stage and sang, my table started waving candles. I loved the song and waving candles was fun! :D Afterwards was the second part of the video? Then more talking?

After the last video was done, we all prayed. It was quiet and i felt warm again, i knew God was with me. After everything, i started to clean up. I love helping out with the church. When everything was set, the brothers, Meiyuet, and Johnathankim started playing human knots again. It was fun :D and when we got it, we started running in circles, meiyuet tripped over her bag D: but she was okay :D hahas. Afterwards nothing happened really, except me blogging :D

~Eric was here~

nostalgic.

5:00pm, do we ever go out this early? Did we even get out this early? Once? I was so happy practice was over. Hell week. Next thing on my mind, was going to the park. I wanted to play so bad. Yesterday, i made so many kills with my right but one with my left. LOL. Anyway, i was so hyped up to play. I come and i see all courts filled up. Darn. ): So i wait and wait. I was wearing shorts and my eastern nationals shirt. So i was waiting and waiting, then it got freezing. Winston was sitting next to me, soon Mashi's turn to go. I took his sweater and started to cover my legs. It felt warm :D

So i'm waiting and i see allenchen walk in with friends from franny lew. I knew he was going to come. Hahas. He spoke my name today, and i was surprised, cause we usually just see each other and look at each other but don't say or do anything. Hahas, well, it's okay. As i was waiting, on the other side was nicky. For some reason, i couldn't really stop looking at him. It's because of the feelings i still have for him. When i see him, i don't know what i see, but i see the man i dated once, the one who i had moments with, hmmm. As i was sitting, i starting to reminisce. I thought back to times where we were still together. And i smiled. It felt warm. I thought only these things happen in movies. Why the hell would this happen in reality? But it did, i started to reminisce and i loved it. I started to gather memories of when we were still together. I remembered when we saw each other at the park, he would walk to my side, waiting for me. Then i would walk to his side, waiting for him. I remembered when i would wear his asspack and he would wear his backpack. He did today. I laughed inside cause nothing really changed. He was about to leave but came to my side and waited for me. I picked up my stuff and started talking to him as if we never broke up. Westley came over and started giving us all these signs. I read Nicky's face. I knew exactly what was going on in his mind. When Westley left, he said it. I smiled knowing i was right. He didn't change much. Most that changed was getting a tan. He got a tan, and it looked pretty good on him, there wasn't really any change. I don't know if i looked different to him or now. I probably did. Hmm, well, I felt warm when we both went in for a hug. Like usual, i smelled him. LOL. no i don't go around sniffing people, but i just do when i hug. And he had the same cologne. We were talking, not much happened, but it made my day. It made my day knowing that we can still be friends despite what happened. I still have feelings for him, but he won't know. Being friends is the most we can do, it gives me this warm feeling within, friends it is, friends it is(:

sympathy?

I'm never appreciated, no matter what i do, i never feel appreciation. at home nor at school, i feel neglected all the time, the only time i'm probably heard is by inderprit, ting, heejae, maro, david and God. I don't know anymore. I try my best to make everyone happy, but some people take advantage and treat me like shit,as if im worth nothing but a waste of their time. But no matter how they treat me, i still want to meet their satisfaction. No i'm not getting whipped. I just and care and worry a lot. And if one does take advantage, kiss your ass goodbye and get the hell out of my life.

What happened to all the love i once had? Did it just fade away that easy? Did it fade away that fast? Or did they all just decide to turn away and backstab me? I used to love everyone and i still do, but i feel no appreciation. What the hell. once it comes to family, the tears will never stop.

At home;

1. My father: I try and keep this family together when he's at work. He's at work for almost the whole damn day, and i can't even see him. I think this is why i don't want to see him most times. When he's home, i want to be out of the damn house, 'cause i can't stand him. I can't stand the fact that he's an alcoholic and i can't stand the fact that he's a smoker. When he wants a one on one talk with me, it's always about everything that's wrong when he's home. When he drinks, i tend to go to sleep earlier so i don't have to talk to him. When he drinks, he talks to me about everything, giving me useless advice and sometimes he's just plain yelling at me for all my flaws and faults. When my sister is being a bitch, being spoiled and all bipolar, my dad blames it on me. He told me that the reason my sister is acting like this, is because she learns from me and i'm the oldest. NEWS-FLASH: I'm rarely home either. I'm at school til 6 on weekdays, and weekends i even got school. Even during spring break. The only reason she acts like this is because of how my parents raised her. Whatever. So when he's home, i hate it. I love everything he does for me, when i need new headphones or new this or that or when i need money, he'd give it to me. My father's a real dedicated father, and he would give anything, but that's wrong of him. He's too generous to a point where he's spoiling my brother and my sister. My father works long hours to keep this family going, but his mouth is cursed. It's his mind that tells his tongue to speak devil. It's the alcohol that controls the mind... But how can i love him when he keeps doing this? I pray for him day and night, praying that things can get better and that he can stop drinking and smoking. I hate it when he's home, just hate it.
2. My mother: My mom understands me a little better. I tell her all my problems i once had in the past. She knew about my current ex and she was okay with it. Not much to criticize about her because she has been here all my life. Yes, she pisses me off time to time, but i know why. I guess one thing would be that i raise my grades for her, to show her that im worth something to be her daughter. I raise my grades so that she can boast to her friends of how wonderful of a daughter i am, but she never does. She always criticizes me. I try my best to show her my responsibility by taking care of my pets, my guinea pigs. She never gave me and my siblings a real pet because she knew that we'd get bored of it and she knew that she would be the one taking care of it. Since we got the guinea pigs, i've been showing responsibility by feeding it everyday and making sure they're okay. My mom was pissed at my sister because it was her idea to bring it home, but she was content that i was taking care of it. I also try to show im worthy by cleaning the house. I may not always have the time, but when i do, i try. I love my mom, and i have absolutely nothing against her.
3. My sister: We're the complete opposite. She's always going out, i'm always at school or at home. She has this annoying temper, i don't. She spoiled, i'm not. She gets allowance, i don't. She invites her friends over at our house almost every time she feels like it, i don't. I hate how she is 90% of the time. She never listens to anyone and this is because of how my parents raised her. I talked to my parents one day about why our family is isolated. My dad blamed my mom, and that pissed me off. Cause it was both their fault. They treat my brother like a freaking king. They give anything to my sister, and for me? I don't get because i don't ask and i don't cause trouble like they do. When my sister wants something, she gets it. If she doesn't she gives the most sour look to my parents. She gives this fucking temper where she won't do this or that until she gets what she wants. It pisses me off, and it pisses my mom off too. I fucking hate it when my sister does that. She acts as if the world revolves around her. She has done physical things to hurt herself and that hurt me 'cause even though i hate her, she worries me. She made me cry many nights in a row because of what she had done to herself. She pisses me off, but ever since these physical things, i've been trying my best to make her happy. And ever since, i'm trying to meet her satisfaction. I'm trying so hard, that i can't stop. But she doesn't see what i'm trying to do for her. She doesn't see what i am doing for her. My heart aches when we argue. My heart wants to tear apart when she's mad at me. I never felt appreciation from her. I spent a lot of money on her, just because i wanted her to be happy. But it's so hard. I want her to feel my appreciation, and the only thing i ask from her, is appreciation back, but i'm never going to get it. She doesn't know how i feel. She never will. If i'm lucky, she'll know before we both get married then move away from each other.
4. My brother: He's spoiled. Easy as that. He has no manners at all. He talks back to me, my sister, my mom, my dad, everyone. When i hit him for being rude, he hits me back. So i have to fight him to a point where he starts crying. I only do this for his own good. If he grows up with no manners, it's going to be so hard for him in the future. job, wife, friends, anything. My brother has it easy. Years ago, if me or my sister did something wrong, we would get our ass beat. But no, all he does is get yelled at. When my dad's home, he gives anything to my brother. When my dad's home, i hit my brother because he has no manners whatsoever. Then my dad yells at me for hitting him, so i yelled at my dad for being such an ass. I told him his faults and what he's doing to my brother. It's too late to change my brother now. He's eight. Too late to change his rudeness. When i go out and go back home, i always buy him something, food or toy, i always buy him something because i want to show him that i love him and i don't want him thinking that i always hit hit because i hate him, i don't. I'll never receive his appreciation either.
5. My aunts: All they think is that i'm covering for my cousin. They think my cousin is dating or hanging out with guys and i'm hiding that from then. They blame everything on me too. Because i'm the oldest of me, my cousin and my sister. I'm "supposedly" suppose watch them and tell them not to do anything stupid. Alright. I have school almost everyday, barely have time to do homework AND you want me to watch over them. Alright. whatever.
6. My cousins: Nothing, i love very much and i tell them everything.

After anyone reads this, please don't talk to me about it. You read it, now keep it in your head. Don't ask me questions about it, none of it. If you do, i'm just going to ignore you.

cheesecake!

cheesecake! ; vanessaouu, michelleouu, missJennie, naNcybabii

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whaddup, whaddup! :D so today, i had piano then i had practice. not much happened, but yeah. So my sister, my cousins and i got together to bake a cake.

vanessaouu: head chef giving directions and knowing what to do! :D

michelleouu: chef who did the mixing

naNcybabii: chef who did ultra heavy mixing

missJennie: chef who did nothing...

LOL, so yeah... but okay, so today was pretty okay. I kept thinking about everything again and more stress came along the way. Except this time, it was about who to hang out with and what time, cause my cousin in laws are coming over on friday, and leaving on monday morning.

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Agenda for this week;

1. Tuesday: practice; walk home? then out to main to get drill mommy flowers!(:
2. Wednesday: practice, celebrating Sergeant Batt's birthday with tulips♥; walk home?
3. Thursday: practice; walk home? maybe park afterwards.
4. Friday: cousin in laws coming over; hanging out with appa? ; hanging out with cousin in laws?
5. Saturday: wake up at 1o' am, meet up with JessHo, KevinChen, WinbinFunn, AnnaLam, and my people then cooking mania! :D ; FOUND! @ 7' pm; staying up late :D
6. Sunday: church? ; day with Eric and Jessica; coffee! :D

eastern '1o ; march nineteen to march twentyone

pimped it up a lil, but it's aight(;

oppa carried my baby cause it was heavy^^

shirley gao, the weird guy i have to look after :D

shy shy Henry(: LOL

why so serious, oppa?

Time to head back to New York

Camwhoring much?

that's whaddup(:

Packing our duffles, last night in Georgia

Camwhoring night before heading back

hotpot.

Open the Eyes of my Heart

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~last day before days with drill team, hours before six hours of drill practice~

Sergeant Batt's birthday, tulips, tulips, tulips, not lillies.

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Things that make vanessaouu want to throw up

1. Watching gushy blood movies, Ninja Assassin

2. Being in the backseat of a car with no windows open.

3. Coughing non-stop.

-----------------------

I rushed up today because i had church. My head is starting to get more and more clear if i don't think about it. Me and my ex had a fight yesterday, i don't get him. He makes me leave him alone, so i yell at him then block him. He IMs my other screenname and asks to talk. I unblock him so we can solve things out. Then he tells me to leave him alone, so in my head, i'm yelling, why the hell are you bipolar? so i wrote, you wanted to talk to me and now youre telling me to leave you alone, what the hell. then i told him to forget everything, including me. Knowing it is impossible for him to do, i told him to make it possible. He pissed me off so much, but whatever, i won't stay mad. I don't stay mad over little things, i eventually forgive people, so whatever. I hate staying mad at people, it's not who i am. It's not how i am. It's definitely how i'm going to be. hmm, so this morning, i went to church and prayed about all my problems, and again, i feel my problems being lifted.

Today's message was amazing, it fitted my life so perfectly, and I knew God was trying to speak with me through the Michael. I felt it. Michael Chang told of how when making a decision, one thinks without God, then makes the decision, ending with disappointment. I made a decision earlier this week and it ended pretty bad. I'm happy that God spoke through Michael, it made me realize that i have to wait for God to answer my prayers and it made me realize that every decision i make, ends bad without God's approval. So with all the stress on my back, i will try my best to wait for God's answers to take me to where i am going. I also resumed praying every night. When Michelle moved back into my room, i have been forgetting to pray to God before i knock out. I prayed that i can remember to pray to God every night. And i hope i will. I love God, and i will never stop, ever(:

2o1o, is everything rewinding itself?

Damn, it's been a while since i wrote in here. I have so many things to write about... I started off with a new year. Not only that, but damn, mad things happen. I met this amazing guy who was older than me, despite our age difference, everything was amazing. I loved being with him. I talked to him for two to three months before it was official, and when it was, damn, i loved him so much. I learned not to give it my all, but i gave a lot. He was just, damn... So different from others and i loved it. We spent our first anniversary at rockefeller, he gave me a swarovski bracelet and it was beautiful. I treasure it so much, even til now. For our second, we went to eat at Olive Garden, it was a long and annoying wait, but it was worth it, especially with him. I loved being with him, but we ended on a bad note. Don't want to tell how we ended it, but yeah. I loved him so much, but we went out separate ways, i don't mind, im just happy of all the beautiful, unique moments we had. I thank him for making me happy while we lasted. I'll always cherish our moments.

As of now, this week, i've been so stressful. Today was the first day of spring break. Hahas, hell week for me though. Well, i've been stressing cause of everything around me. At home, i'm trying to best to meet my family's satisfaction. At school, i'm trying to make my friends happy, and even my ex, but its so hard. Right now, there's around ten guys liking me, but i narrowed it down to two. But it's pretty hard to choose, cause one is from church and the other is from school. It's just so hard for me, because i don't want to break any hearts, but i know i will eventually. And i did. Yesterday, my auntie, Inderprit, and my daddy, Heejae yelled at me for being too nice. They said "Why don't you ever think of yourself for a change?" I started crying cause of all the stress i had. I also started crying because i couldn't. I can't think of me before others. I'm so used to making other's people's satisfaction, that i can't even make mine. I don't know what happened to me, i wish i knew though. There's one or two people who like me for my looks, cause they have no time to dig down to my personality, but the rest like and even love me for me. I didn't know this until last week, where i actually made a list. I listed everything and realized what i've done. My aunt and dad was right. I'm too nice, i was so nice to a point where people fell for me because of my generosity to others. But little did they know that im a heartbreaker. My ex is in love with me, but i broke his heart by liking his friend i barely knew. When i heard about what he did when i broke his heart, i felt like crap. He cried for me, and it hurt me so much because i still care for him as a human being. I may have moved on, but i didn't move on from being a friend. No matter what, no one should be neglected as a friend. I care about him, yes, but i'm stressing so much, It kills me inside knowing that i'm breaking hearts. My ex's friend asked me out... i said yes, but that night, i wanted to be single, cause it was causing me even more stress. Inderprit told me that i was taken advantage of because of my stress level. I didn't know until he told me, i cried again because no one has ever cared for me like he did. And it hurts that i've been so blind. It kills me inside knowing that i broke hearts. It kills me knowing i always worry others, not once, me.

Yesterday was friday, i prayed to God knowing that He'd hear me and guide over me. When i was in church, Jessica, reached out her arms for me. My heart yearned for a hug, when i hugged her, i felt as if everything was okay. She told me that she knew i was under a lot of stress, and my heart hurt again, because she cared for me, and she worried for me. I usually hate when people worry for me because it means that everyone has another person to worry about. I don't want that, that's what fake smiles are for... God has helped me so much. I prayed to Him last night before i slept, praying about everyone. I prayed to Him today asking Him to watch over everyone as they go home. I feel it too, as each day that passes, i feel my stress level going down and i feel as if He's trying to reach to me and talk to me, and i can't wait.

As each day that passes, i just hope He can help me and guide over everyone i love and know and will come to know.