Fuck the rest(:

It's official. My life sucks. But i don't care if it sucks, because these day, i've been looking at all the damn positives. And i never knew how man positive things there were in my life. It makes me smile so much. When i think back to relationships, i don't care how or why it ended. I just smile that it happened. When i lost one friend, i lost two others. And no one knows how that feels. It hurts so much. I read a quote and i summarize it to;

It doesn't matter if you lose a friend. There's a reason why they're not in your future. There's always going to be a reason why your past is not in your future.

This really helped me, i thought back of why i lost so many friends, and it all came clear. One can caused everything else to go wrong. I don't mind though, because, well i got used to it. Friends come and go, but i need someone who's willing to stay by my side when im stupid, crazy, hurt, or just being me. I just thank God for helping me through my problems and i thank Him for giving me so much. It makes me so happy that he's always there for me, watching me and helping me up when i fall down. It just means so much to me. And I want Him to stay in my heart. I never cared to notice all the positives things in my life, because i spent all my day, hours and minutes being emo. Now that i can see my positives, i see so many.

+I have a family that cares deeply about me;

-A mom who yells at me, picking fights, but only because she cares

-A hardworking dad, who i dont get along with, but cares a lot about me

-A sister, who i ignore sometimes, but still cares and listens to me

-A brother, who annoys the crap out of me, but still appreciates me

-Aunts who constantly yell, but love my family so much

-Cousin, who all have random lives, but still tries to make our family proud.

+I have the friends i need and love;

-My seven brothers i grew up with, are always there for me.

-JROTC cadets, who motivate me to bring the better out of me.

-All my other friends who always make me smile and reminds that i'm in their lives.

+What school brings;

-Not only mourning homework, but new friends around.

-Good grades(: Making my mom proud.

-More time at drill practice.

-More time to laugh with friends and share our "blond" moments(:

Right.... So yeah, ima go away for now. See you next time! (:

Forever and ever.

OMG! It's so amazing what a week can do. Sorry that i haven't been writing her in a long time ><>

Thing is, i cried my heart out for him. I cried and cried. I love him so much, i just can't stop. When he left, when he told me to forget him, he didn't know how much i cried. I cried like there was no tomorrow. My heart tore into pieces. But i really wanted to be with him. He makes me so happy. I  just hope and pray that nothing will ever change between us.

I love you, gawgaw(:

永远<3

o5.22.o9

Crazy, crazy, crazy. This day was awesome. School went by pretty quick with a couple of subs. But it was Military Ball that was on my mind the whole effing day. After my last period, I walked home with Maro and Leslie. Even though i TOLD Leslie to go home, he waited for me anyway. After walking home, I had to rush everything because i was going to be late. I had to rush taking a shower, putting make-up on, straightening my hair(which is effing useless), and a lot more.

When we arrived, everything was such a blur. MSG and First Sergeant was there. All of them, lined up waiting for the cadets. We sat at the right. Our table number 20, next to the effing cold air conditioner, which JOSH picked out. LOL. So to my left was Martin, then Josh, nancy, David, Jennifer, Kathleen, Wesley then Gary. Leslie had to sit another table D: Tom took my chair, i think. LOL oh well. Since Alan was missing a seat, i shared with him. Dinner, all i got was salad and mashed potatoes. After dinner, a veteran talked and talked for like, forever. After he was done, everyone stood up and cheered, cheering that it was done. But then he started again. I knew that everyone wanted to get on the dance floor.

Finally it was time to dance. The DJ pumped up the music, girls ran to the dance floor, some with no shoes at all, people running for dessert, and me? I just stayed and watched. Banesa, Denise and Genia was already crazy on the dance floor. They were grinding already. I waited to go with Nancy, Kathleen and Jennifer. When we got to the dance floor, i was shy? I didn't want to dance in front of people. It felt mad weird x.x But people i knew just dragged me along and we just started dancing. Before you know it, hundreds of students were crammed up on the dance floor, sweating and grinding. It was crazy. It got really hot, so i went to settle down. But then David decided to get on the dance floor.

He dragged me back on. Then spanish music came on. I didn't know how to spanish dance, so i tried to leave like four times. But David kept dragging me back on. He led, i followed. It was pretty hard trying to dance. Then as the music kept going, we tended to get in the middle of the floor. So as the music got louder and louder, we got deeper and deeper into the crowd. Then Soulja Boy came on. I started laughing. My sergeant was on the 'stage' doing soulja boy with a couple of other guys. Then Walk It Out, it was hilarious. I was still in the crowd, David kept dancing and dancing non-stop. On the other hand, First lieutenant was too shy to dance. So was Leslie. So i dragged him to the dance floor XD Leslie has GOT to lighten up. He's really really nice and everything, but he has got to lighten up, kick back, and just have some fun(:

Of course, everyone started pushing and pushing, so accidentally me and david got mad close. It felt weird, but i guess its' what grinding means. lmao. So spanish dances started becoming sexual?!? What the hell. This night, May 22, 2009, was far the craziest night that has ever happened the past five to six years of my life. I seriously cannot wait till next year. It's the day after military ball, and the songs are in my head replaying, my feet, legs and hips want to move, and my hands just want to be in the air, being surrounded by people, dancing and dancing. Aiii, my gosh. I just can't seem to stop <3

I waited 50 minutes for the 65...

My life is going down the drains right now. Everything is wrong.

At school, my grades are dropping. Teachers are failing me and schoolwork is starting to be aloof from me though it's right in front of me. Math is getting harder and more confusing, while living environment, the words just go to my head, then out. No word is locked up inside my head. I've been failing java from the start. New global teacher's teaching style is pretty hard to catch up. Been sleeping in that class for a while now. JROTC is getting more and more aloof. Spanish is one of the worst, she loves to fail me. I learn absolutely nothing in that class while english is a little easier, but the book is getting to my head. Band is getting more mournful everyday.

My friends are leaving my one by one. We talk less and less everyday. We get mad for the stupidest reasons. Though we feel like we're still family, more fuss happens than more done. We promise each other to have a day for us only, at the end, everything changes, location, plan, everything. They bring friends while I keep my promise. I feel so left out, i try my best to leave so they can have fun 'cause i wasn't. I didn't want to be a bother, so as a friend, i left so they can have more fun. Friends always come to an end. I guess that's why end is in friend. They come and go, nothing will stay.

My family is getting more and more farther apart. My sister whines continually about me. What the fcuk did i fucking do? Everytime she wants something, i give it to her, or if she wants to borrow something, i lend it to her. Then when i ask her for something she bitches at me. And Im the older sister. When i say no, she has this fucking attitude that makes me wanna fucking shove my knuckles to the cheek. She's so fucking selfish and i don't give a shit if she reads this. Cause it's fucking true. Everytime i ask her, she gives me an attitude too. She has got to fucking control her fucking temper before i control it for her. She should better stop watch fucking anime and dramas. It's pissing me and my mom off. Stupid girl wasting her life in anime. What a no lifer.

My brother thinks he's the center of the universe. Whenever my mom assigns extra homework for him to do, he rushes through everything and get 90% of it wrong. When my sister, my mom and I correct him, he talks back to us. So i threaten him. He talks back, so i hurt him, he still talks back and fights back. I hurt him even more, he gets me in trouble and starts crying. My mom is too fucking light on my fucking brother. Just because he's the only boy in the family doesn't fucking mean that he has to be treated better. Fuck.

My cousin, Terry, is fucking annoying as FUCK. I wanna fucking smack some fucking sense into him. He left his DS charger at someone's house, he cried for over an hour to get it back. He still didn't get it back. His voice is a girl's voice and all he ever wants is his fucking DS and everything he wants. His parents are fucked up as well. They spoiled him as he grew up. Terry is a fucking girl. He walks like one, talks like one and ACTS like one. I will fucking slap him just to get him stronger. He wanted to ride a taxi once, no one let him, so he got on the floor and starting banging on the floor with his hands and stomping on the floor saying I wanna ride a taxi. What a bitch.

My physical wellness is going really bad. These past days, my hunger has been killing me. For the past 24 hours, i didn't eat anything. My stomach wasn't hungry and i didn't feel hungry. I still don't feel hungry and i gained weight. Not only because i want to lose it, but i've been fatigue lately. I have to start eating, but my stomach won't allow it either.

My love life is mad retarded. I meet new friends everyday, so i would like to hang out with them more but i never have the time to. The one I'm dating, is the one I wanna break up with. He changed so much in every way. My ex fell back in love with me. Two sophomore who i see everyday, talk to me everyday, wants to ask me out. They fell so in love with me, i can't afford to break their hearts but i have to. I just want to be single until i find the RIGHT one. I love that one guy for so many years, but i know it's not time. It will never be the time, so why wait? My friend who's going out with a girl for almost a month now, still loves me and thinks about me when he sees his girlfriend sometimes. My classmate asked me out two times and two times i rejected him because i wasn't ready. Damn.

Drill practice is worse. I want to quit so bad. But my mom called my useless because i WANT to quit. Jennifer and Kathleen are definitely gonna be in platoon and squad next year. No one knows how effing hard i try to GET a fricking position. I know that i have ADD during practice, but i do try my best everyday. And if i have a problem everyday, why can't they just freaking say it to my face? This can freaking change me sooner. But i found out about who's gonna be in what position. I have nothing. So fuck it. Not even gonna try to get a fucking position... Some people in drill team really pisses the fuck outta me. When i try and help them with something they did wrong, they take my advice and throw it away as if nothing happened. No one ever listens to the freshman, no wait they do. Just not me. Might as well just quit the whole JROTC program, no one's treating me good, im being treated like shit. So whatever. Fuck my fucking life, i dont want to fucking live any fucking more.

Great day went down, last minute....

What the fxxking shit? Fxxking dad is blaming shit on me and Michelle again. What the fxxk?! Just because the remote control is fxxking misplaced, doesn't ruin your whole fxxking life. Damn.

Like I said before, nothing will ever fxxking satisfy your fxxking needs. It's I want this now, I want that now. Never patient. When we wait for you, we wait. When you wait for us, It's like you're fxxking gonna shoot someone in the fxxking head. And if you are planning to shoot someone in the head, then you might as well fxxking do it to mine. I can't take all this bull anymore. Fxxking shit. I can't take anymore of what you fxxking want to fxxking say. 

It's fxxking not like you're going to fxxking die if the fxxking remote control is fxxking misplaced. Fxxk! You fxxking keep making up shit. If you want to fxxking move out, then fxxking move out. No one's fxxking stopping you. You have no fxxking idea what fxxking stress is fxxking placed upon me and Michelle. Damn. Mad shit comes upon my mind. And when you yell at me, i want to fxxking yell back so fxxking bad. Next time, I will. Fxxk yeah I will. I'm not a little bitch anymore. I'm DEFINITELY not the same girl you knew couple years ago. I fxxking grew. You can't even fxxking remember your daughters' age, birthday, grade, and almost everything thats important to us. Do you have any idea how much that fxxking hurts me and Michelle? Me and Michelle matured. We don't want to fxxking do things for you anymore that are pointless. You can do that to Samuel, but that's still fxxking wrong. Because you never will. He's your favorite son. And he's your only son. That's why you would do anything for him. You know almost everything about him. But you don't know him as well as the rest of the family.  You are never home, that's why you can't experience how it is to live with Samuel. It's not a torture, but what tortures me is how you talk about mommy. You say that she is fxxking practically useless. You assume that all she does is watch TV. Well, you're fxxking wrong! Being a mom is WAY harder than being a dad. Mom has to fxxking clean, cook, wash, and so many other more fxxking things. YOU wouldn't fxxking know that, because everything i mentioned, are things that you never fxxking do. You will never fxxking clean. All I ever saw you clean was the fish tank. Last time you cooked was couple years ago. If you think mommy's useless, then I'm worse. This is the MOST iMPORTANT thing to me ever is that:: Whenever me and Michelle were sick, you would NEVER, not ONCE in your LIFE, check up on us and see what was wrong. Only person who did that, was mommy. But if it was my brother, you would get your fxxking ass up. And fetch him tylenol or something. Idunno, don't care either. I love Samuel, just...not as much as you.

 Don't fxxking say mommy's useless. She means more to me than anything else in the world. I would fxxking suicide for her. And the way you fxxking say things about her, just makes me wanna fxxking smack the shit out of you. I'm old enough to hear things that shouldn't be heard and say things I shouldn't.

I know what is wrong and what is right. And what you're fxxking doing is wrong. I know me cursing right now is fxxking wrong too. But I just can't take the shit that you do. If you ever read this, don't get me wrong. But you act like an ass really often. You don't even know that I cry myself to sleep. You don't even know when you yell at me with a fxxking loud-ass voice because you're too fxxking wasted and drunk at three or four in the morning.....

Fxxk this. I'ma go. Next time I come, i'll probably be happier......

Valentines At School

Well, It's Valentines Day. And i woke up late =o= Like 4o minutes late... I rushed through everything. This sucked. It is friday the 13th and i had to freaking wear P.T gear... :[ So no red for me today. I saw Karen, my wifey, in the morning. She handed me a rose that was supposed to be given to our english teacher, Mrs.Picard. It's her birthday and Valentine's Day... So yeah. :]

Before 3rd period:

Usually I stand outside my friends' classroom, because i barely know anyone in my class. LMAO. It's like half-year in the semester, but yeah. So I see Steven, Shannon, another Steven, Jackie, Simon, Miguel, Aaron and Mashi! hehe. Well, everyone saw me holding the flower, and of course they asked. I answered: It's not for me, it's for a teacher. And yeah.

3rd period:

Math... Got my test back. Yeah, I'm not asian... I asian failed. =o= LMAO. Three points helped me. :D Ehh, lousy three points. Uhm.... three other girls asked, i answered differently. I answered: It's for someone. They assumed it was a guy of course. I didn't wanna say anything else. Math, was basically a free period. But we got a thick-ass packet to do over break. That's about it.

Between 3rd and 4th period:

I saw Taxi aka Inderprit LMAO. :D He walked me to class. Gianni was RIGHT next to me. Oh-dee. But i didn't notice him =o= until he called my name. I was like DAMN ftw?! Taxi walked me to class.. Oh yeahs. Gianni asked about the flower. He said: Is that from your boyfriend? I told the truth: no. He answered: psh, yeah right. Just ignore and laughed. Taxi had AP Java. While I had lab.

4th period:

Ms.Bonsey[pregnant living environment teacher who gave birth] was out. So we had a sub, Ms.Rosa. We had to hand in all out labs. It was annoying. SHE was annoying. I wanted to fxxk her up. But oh wells. She kept watching this thing on her laptop. This guy talking, in a native language LOL :] Then she kept us locked in the room till the bell rang. That got me really pissed off because i wanted to leave the fxxking room. Less than a minute, she lets us out. Me and Karen are like fast-walking. Oh yeahs. Since Bonsey's at labor. Our sub for living environment is Mr.Olson. He's a pretty cool guy. But we all want Bonsey back. Guess we don't know what we got till it's gone. Hmm... Oh wells. Gotta deal with it.

Between 4th and 5th period:

Nothing really. Just that Karen and Kurt hugged and.... That's about it. Oh, i took Kurt's phone. But Karen was such an angel to give it back to him. They look cute together, no? LMAO

5th period:

Living Environment. I didn't have breakfast. I was hungry as fxxk. I took out my lunch/breakfast and started eating. Home-made, shared it with my wifey :] Thennnnnnnnn... uh... test<- which i failed. Then next class ROFLS ^-^ Simon and Kurtis is always outside. Simon always makes Karen curse, so i yell at him :] Then i left.

6th period:

Walked into my Java room. On the third floor. Once again. Yes, my schedule is 2nd floor then 3rd then 2nd then 3rd then 1st then 2nd then trailers then 2nd then 1st. =o= Yeah.. Sucks lmao. Uhm... so yeah. Third floor. I walk in the room, i see everyone again. Jenna, Deeba, Debbie, Qiyan, Robert, Sung, Hassan, Tyrone, Hilda, Eric, Sehrish and WAY more. LMAO. Yeah. So i sat down, couple seconds later, Bryan appeared by my side. Said Hi. Then [This is where it starts to get interesting]

I heard an AHEM~. Twice. I turned around, and I saw Jay[Junior] with a blue rose in his hands. I blushed like I had never before. He stretched out his hand revealing a big heart at the end, and he said "Happy Valentine's Day". I was beyond shocked. I took the rose. And everyone was looking at us. I guess it was a once-in-a-lifetime moment. Everyone started clapping and aww-ing. It was an omg moment. I just never thought that Jay would have guts. Well i knew he had guts, but like, I never thought that he would give me the rose in front of the WHOLE class.

7th period:

Global. Test. Everyone was calling each other for answers. Lmao. Ilhyup texted me... =o= rofls. It was funny though. Ms.Franke saw my blue and red rose. She said: Cool roses, blue and red. I smiled and said Thank You. She was pregnant as well. But hers' is due later on.

Between 7th and 8th period:

I saw Simon outside. Along with Austin and Shantelle. Damn. ehhh. No comment. Well, i just gave Simon a hug. Then i headed up. I saw Runde Mo. He saw my flower. I saw a little bit disappointment in his eyes. But i didn't dare to say anything. So i started to walk towards Shirley, Lily, and Jennifer. They saw my flower. They asked.....of COURSE. Runde was following me. I didn't notice though. I answered, this junior. I think my feelings are coming back for Jay. Idunno. Then, i walked to my next class.

8th period:

JROTC. Today was P.T. But in class. Guys and Girls had to pair up. I paired up with Nazia. First push-ups then curl-ups. I did 30 push-ups and 28ish curl-ups. The last curl-up I did, was hilarious. I was so tired. So i went half-way then gave up. OMG. I was SO close to making it, but no. Damn stomach :[

9th period:

Spanish. Mrs.Fernandez. I walked into the classroom. It's trailers. So yeah. Fisr the class started out with nothing. Then Mrs.Fernandez noticed me with flowers.

She was like "So Vanessa, who gave you the flowers?"

Me: Oh this junior that you teach.

Her: Who? What period? -reaches for attendance sheet-

Me: Idunno.

Her: His name?

Classmate: Wow, Mrs.Fernandez, just leave the poor girl alone. Look at her, She's blushing.

Me: -LMAO- uhm...yang. Jayden

Her:-keeps looking and looking. Not giving up-

Me: =o= *cough*blind much?*cough*

Her: Oh well, I can't find him.

Me: mmkays.

Well that was weird, what was even more weird is that today, I participated in class like. Oh-dee. I kept raising my hand. :D

10th period:

English. Mrs.Picard. Me and Karen handed her, her presents. Karen gave the rose, i took out the card. She gave us both hugs. Throughout the class, Mrs.Picard handed out kisses. Then at the end, i took the whole bag :] hehe

11th period:

Band. Mr.Jordan. He was pretty cool and fun. Nothing special there. He's always working on parts, with different insturments. There is flutes, clarinets, trumpets, baritone, trumpet, alto and tenor sax, drums, guitar, and me, vibes. But he never works with me. The class is too easy. So yeah.

After 11th period:

Drill.... All we did was regulation, while Shirley and Brittany did exhibition. Idunno. I was pretty jealous. But we did have a new member, Genesis. And she's really fast. So i guess, I gotta kick it up a notch. Be extra sharp and learn wayy faster.

That's all for the day. Craziest moment was the Jay part. hahas

Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Chinese New Year!

恭喜恭喜！ 新年快乐！

Well, another year has gone by so fast. Before we know it, we'll be at another house, and our children will be taking of us.

Another year older, another year passed,

Shoulder to shoulder, growing more like glass.

New year, new promises,

Full of cheer, full of kisses.

Time has gone, old age has come,

Sings a song, telling what needs to be done.

Another year has come, another year with friends,

Let's stay strong, until the end.

You and i forever and ever,

Let's start parting starting at never.

Promise me you'll be there for me,

I promise you there's a lot to see.

Let's roam the world, forget our fears,

Not allowing any tears.

A new year has come, let's make the best,

Finish what should be done, getting it off our chest.

Promise me when this year ends,

You and i will stay best of friends.

Wish You The Best

Seeing you everyday, hurts me so deep,

There's so much I want to say, but I never have the strength.

Every time I try, my tears just start to come,

Finally I cry, unable to finish what should've been done.

It's just so hard facing you and her,

It makes me reminisce how we once were.

I guess i was just a doll, play then throw away,

Ignoring me just to stall, then left, forgetting everyday.

It just hurts so much that I actually loved you,

But I guess your habit is to break hearts into two.

All my friends support me whenever i need it,

They make me laugh, sometimes it doesn't work a bit.

I wish the laughter never ended, so i would stay happy,

But i guess time never ends, while happiness does.

I have friends talking to you, screaming at you,

breaking your heart into two.

But it probably means nothing.

You call and call, but i just ignore it.

Even looking at caller ID hurts even the littlest bit.

My question is if you still love me.

If you don't, I'll let you be.

That's all I want to know,

If it's too hard then just say no.

Right now, I'm

Wanted by many,

Taken by none,

Talking to some,

But waiting for the one

[Thanks Vicka]

Taxi's the best,

better than the rest.

Makes me smile,

makes my life worthwhile.

Makes me laugh till I cry,

For him to make me laugh,

is like a piece of pie.

Everything was a fucking lie.

Gave you my heart, you tore it into two. Now that we part, wish i never met you.

I was like a hit-and-run, next time i see you, it's you who should run. Because i can't take this shit no more. I actually loved you, but you broke it anyway. You didn't care. Didn't give a shit. You played with my heart. But you know what? You shouldn't have done that. Next time i see you, you better watch it. I'm not the type or girl you play with then leave. You have no idea what i would do to get even. So watch yourself. And the next time you see me, you would want to stay 4 to 10 fucking feet away from me. Your face just pisses the shit out of me. Don't call me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me. Yeah, that's how much i hate you. Don't want you ever in my life. Everyone else is different, but you are just a piece or crap. Don't even try to say sorry to me, because i know that. Deep inside, you don't mean anything. You say you still "like" me. Chances are I'm nothing to you. I'm glad I'm nothing to you because i don't want to be treated like the way you treat me.

I'm going to erase you. Completely from my mind. Never again, will you exist.

Farewell

Things i Wrote From The Corazon

What is four plus one?

Well, maybe my heart is starting to heal, maybe they have won.

But one thing is that you'll never change the way i feel.

Just like the old times, lonely and unspoken.

Having the strength to climb, so quiet, so broken.

Old times have come, Sad times have died.

My brother left me numb, but upon my face, all tears have dried.

Far and wide, i look up to the snow, and my name speaks.

Quietly it guides, telling me to glow, and not be weak.

You ignore me if i was nothing.

But deep inside, I'm your everything.

Every snowflake is unique, one represents myself.

Am i the one you seek? Or am i like everyone else?

Listening to my music, singing along.

Thinking about the basics, thinking about where i belong.

Thinking about love songs, thinking about how we were.

Listening all nightlong, hoping for a cure.

Will i die for you? No.

Will i die with you? Yes

If i died for you, i wouldn't be able to spend my life with you.

If i died with you, i would spend eternity with you.

Changed, Improved, Refreshed

Well, it's done. What am i going to do now? Have i nothing more to do? Well, right now, all i can do is wait and have fun with my friends, forgetting everything. Even if i meet a new person, would i forget? I just wish not, because everything was unique. This girl has already got back on her feet, now all she needs is happiness. It sure of a hell wasn't easy going through many things. It still isn't, but one thing i know, is that i will keep my head up high and not let anyone bring me down. Not even you, can bring me down. Whoever thinks they can, then i would like to see you try. I just need comfort. Is that a lot? Hm.... Well, i know a lot of people that can bring me it, but it doesn't fulfill me. I'm not forcing anyone. I just want to... i don't know. I just want to find unbroken love, i guess. One love that will never break apart.

Everyday i think of you

Wondering what you wanna do.

Do you wanna be my boo?

'Cause baby, I Love You.

I was blind, but now i see

You bought the goodness out of me.

Now i'm falling in too deep

Baby won't you take my hand

'Cause i want you to understand

You'll get to know just who i am[One life one Love]

'Cause i want you to be my man

And without love in my life

I will be lonely when i die.

Every time you're on my mind

Everything will be alright

Look at Me...

I need a break from everything. I just can't take it anymore. I'm more stressed then im suppose to be. Damn. I have midterms coming up and most importantly, too many things are on my mind and i can't comcentrate. I have got to hangout with my friends and just forget everything. I need time before i can get back on my feet. Because this girl will get back on her feet. And NOTHING is going to stop her. Though it might hurt me, i still have to get up. Because i know that my life is already planned out. So whatever i do, is already planned out. Maybe being... random and being happy all the time is my thing. And i don't plan to break it now. I will not let anything intimidate me or bring me down anywhere. I will try my best to stay on top, not of others, but myself. Though forgetting about the past will hit me hard, I still gotta overcome it. It might hurt me deeply. But that's why friends are there. Just remember that i will not forget anything.